Let’s be honest…..I’m disappointed in myself. No matter how hard I try NOT to be, I am. It’s as simple as that. I can sit here and be logical and matter-of-fact about the truth that I completely dropped the ball on my blog this winter and that it’s not a big deal (let alone earth-shattering), but to me it is. Life happened, winter was rough, I didn’t see the struggle coming. I can say all that and “act” like I am ok with it, but on the inside the conversation is so different.
I am so frustrated with myself and, in turn, quite cruel to myself. I am just not that good at giving myself grace. Why can’t I get to all the things I want to? Why can’t I have the boundless energy to kick-ass in all areas of life? Why do I always feel like I am coming up short? Honestly, this is the truly nicer version of what has been going on in my head lately. The questions and the areas of discontent are cumbersome and I am working on that.
Why do I feel like I keep taking 3 steps forward and 50 steps back? Honestly, I think it has to do with a few things I have already written about on this blog. I struggle with perfection. I feel like if I don’t have the “perfect” words on a topic that I am better off to simply not write at all. I tell myself that most of what I want to be say has been said by someone who can say it better. The negative conversations have been a huge hurdle!
That is why I am writing today, because I need to just face the issue so that I can move on. This is step one of getting back to doing my most important work. The hard work that is worth doing.
The work of the heart and that of the mind are a lifelong process. (I MUST remind myself daily!) I believe that we must spend time every day in the trenches of this work or we will suffer. I have been neglecting my self-work lately, letting life sweep me away, allowing my mental storyline to get skewed and now I am suffering. I’m not trying to be dramatic here. Yes, I realize I don’t know what horrible suffering is, but I do believe that if we don’t make self-care a priority there is a level of suffering that is unique to each of us and it is not to be discounted. It is real.
I know so many of you out there are experiencing this too. If there is one thing that is true about the human experience, it is that our experiences and feelings are not happening in a vacuum. I guarantee whatever I am feeling a woman has come before me and felt the same way and that doesn’t make my experience less valuable. It simply reassures me (and hopefully you) that I am not alone.
So how do I turn the page and change the storyline for myself?
I do the work!
I set my alarm earlier. I get out the books that fill me up. I practice daily gratitude. I continue to work on the art of meditation. I feed my body healthy food and I keep moving. I make time for who is most important to me. Most of all, I stop making excuses and KNOW that everything will be ok! I stop letting my mind give me a storyline that my heart knows isn’t true. I stop being my own worst enemy. I serve and encourage others. I understand that I have something to contribute and no one can do it quite the way I can.
Life is hard. It was never meant to be easy. It is a beautiful, twisted journey of trials and tribulations. It can be joyful and sad in nearly the same breath. It is scary, but fear cannot win. It is all the emotions wrapped into one and there is literally nothing that is “perfect” about it. It is a beautiful, messy, enlightening experience the asks us to stay engaged on a deeper level so that we might see its hidden beauty and revel in just how fortunate we are to be here.